December 2, 2010

Three Years, No Tears (Yet!)

Dear Mom,

Not only am I making it through this day, but I'm actually enjoying it. Yes, you read correctly, I'm enjoying your third Angel-versary (as a friend of mine calls it). I thought these feelings on this day would never come. I'm not staring at the clock reflecting what I was doing at this moment three years ago. Instead, I'm remembering our happy times together; your smile; your laugh; your long nails running through my hair on your lap after I'd had a stressful day; our shopping trips; our pizza date and hotel sleepover when you visited me at college; the warmth of your hugs. We had a blessed life together.

I woke up to a wonderful e-mail and a card on the table from two of my best friends from college this morning, which got my day off to a perfect start. Since then, I have received dozens of text messages and logged on to my Facebook account to find 40+ people recognizing how special we are to them. We are loved by so many.

Regardless of all the attention, I just woke up feeling good today. I didn't have to fake it. I was all worked up for nothing yesterday (although there are still 9 more hours left for this day to turn itself upsidedown, but still I'm trying to think positive). An unknown author sums up the feelings I have today better than I can for a change:

Your Mother is Always with You

She’s the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street.
She’s the smell of bleach in your freshly laundered socks.
She’s the cool hand on your brow when you’re not well.
Your mother lives inside your laughter.
She’s crystallized in every tear drop.
She’s the place you came from; your first home.
She’s the map you follow with every step you take.
She’s your first love; your first heartbreak...
And nothing on Earth can separate you.
Not time, not space, not even death
will ever separate you from your mother.
You carry her inside of you.
-Author Unknown

Some days I miss you so much I am inconsolable, but then there are other days, like today, when I wonder how in the world I could miss you when you've never even really left me at all.

A few days before you died, you held my hand, looked me in the eyes, and promised me that not even death can break the bond we share.

You've never been more right.

I love you, Mom.



  1. This is one of the most moving blog entries I have ever read. My mom passed when I was 5 years old and I always thought I carried a bit of her inside of me. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this day.

  2. Sami,
    I agree, this is a beautiful post! I absolutely love the poem and it is so true. I find great comfort in realizing my mother and I still have a bond, a relationship, just not in the physical sense anymore. I will always be her daughter and you will always be your mother's daughter as well. No matter what. I'm so happy you had good day yesterday. Although tears would have been ok too. Tears are good. Also, I was wondering if you would like to do a guest post sometime on my blog, maybe Jan?? If you're interested that would be great. If not, I totally understand. I'd like to have a young daughter's perspective on loss. Sorry I didnt see an email so asking you here. I'll stop rambling on now. Thanks again for great post!

  3. Thanks Dee, and it made me so happy to see you repost this on your own blog!

    Nancy, tears are definitely okay! I was just happy to see that I could think of her and not cry. But I do often find that tears are extremely cleansing and therapeutic :-) And I would definitely love to do a guest post on your blog! I am honored! My e-mail is if you'd like to give me more information on what that entails & if there's anything specific I should write about! :-) Thank you!

  4. Sami, you did it! I am so happy for you to make it through on all the amazing memories you shared together. And that poem is beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. Thanks for this amazing post. It made my day. :-)

  5. Thanks Sami for making me realise I am not alone. My mum died of cancer too at 45. I am 24 now. I was fine for last few years keeping myself busy and going on with life, but over time I have begun to spiral downhill. Your letters have inspired me to get help and stop denying I need it. Keep up the beautiful posts! Love this poem and post!

  6. you are giving all of us who grieve a gift beyond measure; HOPE! I send my dad emails (addressed to me) hoping he will find them. He has been gone 6 years and I still cry so often. Thank you for this blog. really...