March 26, 2015

Let's Make Like Heinz and Ketchup ( dum tisss!)

Dear Mom,

It's crazy to me that it's been almost two years since I've written those two words. It's also crazy to me just how much has changed in that time- how much I've changed. How happy I am. How we adopted a second dog so our first has a friend (and someone to play with so I can watch Grey's in peace obviously). How I met the girl I talked about two posts ago who lost her dad to cancer, and we've become the best of friends (I'll see her again in a month in NY!). How we bought a house a year ago. How my little green Turtle car you got me when I was 16 barely putted into the dealership when I upgraded for a Subaru last year at 26. How I cooked my first Thanksgiving turkey that Dad and TW drove 8 hours to eat (and it wasn't dry, but it did take 3 more hours than I thought). How I've picked up freelancing work in addition to my full-time job like I've always wanted. How much my dreams are coming true. How weird it was that yesterday I had a sudden urge to call you on my drive home. It's all freaking crazy.

It's been 7 years, 3 months, and 24 days since you said goodbye to me. I can't really explain where I am with that. Some days I talk about you like those memories just happened yesterday, and other days I feel like I dreamed you up. It's complicated. I don't even recognize myself in some moments as I read through old posts. I went through that? How did I get through that? I want to hug that girl. I am so much stronger now, I can't even begin to tell you.

Mini version? I've stopped giving a shit, but in the best of ways. I used to need everyone to like me and want to be my friend, but now I just am who I am and let people accept that as they wish. Or not. Like I said, no shits to give. I stand up for myself. I wish I had the time or the energy to find every a-hole that walked all over me while I was grieving and verbally rip them a new one. If I gave any shits, the first person I'd have some words with would be this one person I dated, who shall remain nameless, that once got upset with me that my phone rang in the middle of the night (it was a friend, a FRIEND, who talked me through my tough times and nothing more, mind you, that was calling to catch up on a Friday night). I tried explaining this, when he cut me off to say, "Don't use your mom's death as an excuse to be a SLUT." Really? Do you kiss YOUR mom with that mouth? It took me another year to come to my senses and dump his ass. Oh, and according to some Facebook investigative research, he is still single. And miserable. And getting old. Alone. This little slut classy broad would like to know what karma feels like, ya big JERK.

Anyway, I digress!

Clearly, it's been a whirlwind. But I'm better for it. I'm stronger for it. I miss you every day, but I'm in a good place- a great place. I feel like I'm finally coming to be the person I was meant to; a person you'd be proud of. And I know you're watching every minute. Stay tuned. :)

I love you,


  1. Longtime lurker. I just wanted to say I am glad to hear you are doing great!

  2. High.
    I gotta lotta thots and stories in our 22 blogs…
    and I’m more than happy to share,
    to give to you what God has granted me - a steward
    in this finite existence, this lifelong demise.
    And why not?
    Aren’t we all in the same family made by God,
    different cultures, different tongues?

    Faith, hope, and love -
    the greatest of these is love:
    jump into faith...
    and you'll see with love.
    Doesn’t matter if you don’t believe
    (what I write);
    God believes in you.
    God. Bless. You.
    Meet me Upstairs where the Son never goes down…

  3. Hi Sami I just lost my mom to Ovarian Cancer yesterday and my world is shattered. I'm only 18 and I wanted her to be there all my life more than anything in the world. She fought for 3 years and it was an extremely difficult battle and I know she's in a better place, but the selfish side of me wants her to still be here with me. I can't believe how much I already miss her and her smile and voice and hugs. I feel so alone when I see my friends smiling and laughing with their moms and I'm here with a hole in my chest. Sami, does it get easier over time? Will this emptiness dissipate one day? How will I know she's watching me? Is she???i feel so alone I don't know what to do and your the closest a person I've found that's in a pretty similar spot as me. Please

  4. Dear Sami,
    You don't know me (even though I live in Maine lol) and I am guessing you probably won't see this but as a caring person, a fellow writer and someone who has lost a loved one to cancer (and had a precancerous condition myself last year) I had to comment.
    You are a treasure, Sami! Your blog is heartfelt, genuine and gut level honest. Your mom is so very proud of you, I am sure! I have read many blogs. Yours has touched me like no other!
    I have a hunch that you are probably a mommy yourself by now... If not, and if having a child or children was/is your goal, I just KNOW you are going to be an AWESOME mommy. How do I know that, you ask? Simply because YOU had one and will forever be connected to her as her daughter!
    God bless you beautiful Sami. You are strong at the broken places!
    Warm hugs,

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