Dear Mom,
Today is Mother's Day. Despite my good intentions, of course I started crying completely unexpectedly right when I woke up this morning. It's just so bittersweet. I feel lucky to have known you, and I always will, but there's that part of me that will just remain sad. I'm sad that I will never buy you another sappy Mother's Day card or cheesy gift; I'm sad that I will slowly forget exactly how your voice sounded; I'm sad that you never got the chance to be one of those cool moms on Facebook, or own an iPhone, or watch the season finale of Survivor (and the new season too-- you would love it!).
I try to replace all of the "didn't's" and "couldn't's" and "will never's" with thoughts of all the things we did get to do together, and it gets easier to do so, but sometimes I still need to just let myself feel whatever the heck I want to-- and today I feel sad. And tearful. And cheated. And I just... well, I feel bad for myself.
A lot of my sadness used to come from feeling sad for you and the fact that you had to leave us all by yourself, but honestly, my guess is that Heaven kicks some serious butt and you aren't thinking twice about this place. Lucky. Angels probably don't have to shave their legs, purchase tampons, or struggle through hangovers (clearly listing the most important things in life here...). Angels live the best life-- a blessed life-- and experience the eternal life that the rest of us just dream about and hope for. I just know that, today, you are happy.
Hmm... you are happy. I haven't said or thought that in a while.
I think I just performed therapy on myself by accident. That was weird. There went the rest of my rant for the day.
You are happy.
And now so am I.
Happy Mother's Day, Mom. I love you so much.
Love,
Sami
i get this way on father's day and his birthday (2 days away)... and i love that you wrote about how happy she is in heaven... i do that.. i spent all these hours crying then thing.. he is seeing and experiencing such beautiful things... have a wonderful day how ever you chose to spend it!
ReplyDeleteGreat post
ReplyDeleteSami, Of course you are sad for yourself and all you miss! We daughters miss our mothers when they are gone, no matter how old we are. Envisioning your mother happy now in heaven, that's lovely and so purely unselfish on your part. I must remember to do that as well!
ReplyDeleteThanks for this, Sami. I've been missing my mom lately and now to think of her as happy... well that helps.
ReplyDeleteI know just how you feel. I hate Mother's Day, even though my kids are still young enough to be into it and present me with homemade cards & gifts. I spend the days leading up to Mother's Day dreading it, and like you, burst into tears first thing. I drag myself through the day, missing my mom and being mad at everyone who still has their mom on this earth. But then I remember that she would want me to enjoy the day and enjoy my kids, so I try to snap out of it. But I still hate it.
ReplyDeleteglad this day is over for you, I know it's hard. was definitely thinking about you a lot last sunday. not sure what I believe/don't believe, but if there is a heaven I'm positive your mom is so happy because you are a beautiful person with a fantastic heart. hang session soon! <3
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteI have been following you blog for awhile. I am the founder of an organization called H.U.G.S. Hands Unite to Give Strength. Please take a look at it at www.hugsforstrength.com if you get a chance. I would love you to be a guest blooger. Please contact me if you are interested and we can talk more.
Sami - I keep coming back to your post and rereading it. There is so much that I want to comment on.
ReplyDeleteMy mother passed away when I was 5. When I was in elementary school I used to despise Mother's Day. Sure I had an Aunt who loved me and raised me like her own child who I would make cards for but it still hurt. When I was older and in high school I got upset with friends who complained about their mothers for one reason or another. They had a mother.
When I became a mother the entire landscape changed for me. Now seeing them grow is what has gotten me through 2 surgeries, 15 chemos , lost hair, and tingling toes.
You know what? I still think about my mother- I am sure she is in heaven with yours.