May 18, 2011

The Only Constant is Change

Dear Mom,

I've said before that I feel like I'm settling somehow lately, and I couldn't figure out if it was the people I surround myself with, or just me. Turns out it was a little bit of both.

Over the past month I have ripped down, rebuilt, and replaced a series of relationships in my life, including the one I have with myself. It's been a pretty drastic change, and one that I haven't been ready to talk about until tonight.

For a little while now, I have felt like I've lost myself. I just wasn't willing to admit it. It's like I suddenly got sucked into a life of a boring, lonely old lady and completely stopped even attempting to be the spunky little 23-year-old that I am on the inside. I grew comfortable in a life of going to bed at 9pm on a Saturday night, passing on a night out with my girlfriends for no good reason, and sitting in front of the TV whenever I got some downtime. When did I let myself become that person? I love being spontaneous, meeting new people, laughing, and living an exciting, active lifestyle. I used to dream of moving out of the state; I used to dream of being a famous journalist; I used to dream of making my mark on the world in even the smallest way-- I used to dream, period. When did I stop dreaming? And more importantly, why?

After you died, I focused so much on how short your life was that I panicked and started living so fast. I wanted to do everything immediately and got so wrapped up in it that I didn't even recognize myself. Then, I made a change and started spending time with people who lived a slower paced life, which ultimately brought mine to a screeching halt. I allowed that to carry on for years to the point where I simply got comfortable. I was comfortable working at a mediocre job, living in a town that hardly anyone has heard of, spending all my time with people who weren't necessarily a right fit for me. It was easy and achievable.

One little quote changed my outlook. I can't remember where I read it or who said or when, but I do know that I haven't been able to get it out of my head ever since.

"You say life is short, but it is the longest thing you'll ever do."

I never thought of it that way before. Talk about a wake-up call. Life is actually pretty freaking long-- and I'm going to spend it like this? Absolutely not.

In a matter of weeks my life has turned upside-down in some of the best ways. I rekindled relationships with old friends who should have never left my life. I reevaluated what I'm looking for in a partner and am single for the first time in years. I realized that I want more for myself than I've actually allowed myself to feel deserving of in the past. I feel confident, happy, and excited about my life and my future for the first time in so long.

I let my grief and fear of death completely overtake me. Watching you die when I was 19 years old truly shook me to my core in more ways than I had ever realized. I started to look at life as a countdown; a ticking time bomb. Something in the past few months just clicked for me out of nowhere, and I can see now that life has been patiently waiting for me to go out and live it.

Now that's exactly what I intend to do!



  1. Someone is on a blogging binge tonight...and I love it. Getting everything out is great. I wish I had that level of focus right now. I've been working on getting a post out for two days. Bleck. Speaking of focus and getting super jumbled by simple things (oy vey)... Take care of yourself, sweets. We're all here for you.

  2. Sami, at 63 I can relate to this post as if it is written with me in mind. You show amazing insight; quite incredible, and gained over only 23 years.
    My best wishes

  3. Sami,
    I just recently found your blog and I am amazed by your strength! I lost my Mom to Esophageal cancer this past October and I feel as though I can't get it together and find the old me that I was before she was diagnosed. I am 41 years old - so I had over twice the amount of time to spend with my mom - than you did with yours.....but it still wasn't enough. I appreciate your thoughts and honesty as time goes by since your loss. It helps me to better understand what I may be facing each step of my lonely journey. Thank you for helping me and so many others.
    Hugs from Ohio,

  4. Well said Sami. And well done.
    All the best to you,

  5. Kudos to you, Sami, for having the courage to make the changes to your life. It's never easy, but it certainly is liberating. I admire your strength and your wisdom. Get out there and seize the things you want and live.

  6. Thank you . You are wise beyond your 23 years.
    Every day is a blessing even the ordinary. Here's to your life and living to the fullest.

  7. Sami,
    I absolutely love that quote,"You say life is short, but it's the longest thing you'll ever do." I am going to remember that one! Change is hard and you have the courage to do it. Good for you! We all have to grab hold of life and just live it, or at least try!

  8. American Idol news: Thought you may want to look out for this song.

    Lauren May Get Better Material - For her first single, Universal Records honcho Jimmy Iovine gave her "Like My Mother Does," a catchy, heartstring-plucking ballad about a young girl's admiration for her mom.