I've said before that I feel like I'm settling somehow lately, and I couldn't figure out if it was the people I surround myself with, or just me. Turns out it was a little bit of both.
Over the past month I have ripped down, rebuilt, and replaced a series of relationships in my life, including the one I have with myself. It's been a pretty drastic change, and one that I haven't been ready to talk about until tonight.
For a little while now, I have felt like I've lost myself. I just wasn't willing to admit it. It's like I suddenly got sucked into a life of a boring, lonely old lady and completely stopped even attempting to be the spunky little 23-year-old that I am on the inside. I grew comfortable in a life of going to bed at 9pm on a Saturday night, passing on a night out with my girlfriends for no good reason, and sitting in front of the TV whenever I got some downtime. When did I let myself become that person? I love being spontaneous, meeting new people, laughing, and living an exciting, active lifestyle. I used to dream of moving out of the state; I used to dream of being a famous journalist; I used to dream of making my mark on the world in even the smallest way-- I used to dream, period. When did I stop dreaming? And more importantly, why?
After you died, I focused so much on how short your life was that I panicked and started living so fast. I wanted to do everything immediately and got so wrapped up in it that I didn't even recognize myself. Then, I made a change and started spending time with people who lived a slower paced life, which ultimately brought mine to a screeching halt. I allowed that to carry on for years to the point where I simply got comfortable. I was comfortable working at a mediocre job, living in a town that hardly anyone has heard of, spending all my time with people who weren't necessarily a right fit for me. It was easy and achievable.
One little quote changed my outlook. I can't remember where I read it or who said or when, but I do know that I haven't been able to get it out of my head ever since.
"You say life is short, but it is the longest thing you'll ever do."
I never thought of it that way before. Talk about a wake-up call. Life is actually pretty freaking long-- and I'm going to spend it like this? Absolutely not.
In a matter of weeks my life has turned upside-down in some of the best ways. I rekindled relationships with old friends who should have never left my life. I reevaluated what I'm looking for in a partner and am single for the first time in years. I realized that I want more for myself than I've actually allowed myself to feel deserving of in the past. I feel confident, happy, and excited about my life and my future for the first time in so long.
I let my grief and fear of death completely overtake me. Watching you die when I was 19 years old truly shook me to my core in more ways than I had ever realized. I started to look at life as a countdown; a ticking time bomb. Something in the past few months just clicked for me out of nowhere, and I can see now that life has been patiently waiting for me to go out and live it.
Now that's exactly what I intend to do!