April 18, 2011

I'm Alive!

(Originally written 4/9/11)

Dear Mom,

Today is Dad's birthday! I visited him last weekend, and we had lots of great conversations. I can honestly say he is better, and happier, and that makes me breathe a sigh of relief. It's been a long road, and it's still going to wind and twist along the way, but for now, he is having a smoother ride.

I've been a little MIA in the past week and a half because I have been transitioning from my old job to somewhere brand new and wonderful! I used to have a lot of downtime during my schedule previously, so I was able to write more, but that's not the case here (we can't even use our cell phones!) The position itself isn't where I see myself down the road, but if I move up through the company I could get into the communications section of it and fit in perfectly. It's something to work towards and has brought me a million steps ahead of where I was just 11 days ago, so I can't complain about that!

Last night I was so exhausted from my first week of work and training that I passed right out when my head hit my pillow. I was woken up around 1AM when, yet again, a roommate drunkenly staggered into the house and not-so-gracefully found her way to her room down the hall (I love my friends, I do, but it's just another reminder of how different from them I've become. They even call me 'mom'!). I laid there and listened to her to make sure she wasn't sick or in need of any help (here I go again with the TMMs...), but she seemed alright. I tried to fall back asleep, when out of nowhere I started sobbing. I was having one of those 'holy crap, how did I get here?!' kind of moments. It was the first time in weeks that time had slowed long enough for me to just think about me... and you.

As happy as I am that dad is honestly doing well, it also made me feel more isolated from everyone. I felt like I was crossing another name off the list of fellow grievers, and to tell you the truth, I'm not even sure who's on it anymore besides me. It's not a constant feeling of sadness anymore like it used to be; the waves of grief are spaced out, but during their off time they are only building up their strength to come crashing down when I least expect it. Like at 1AM on a Friday when I had already been sleeping for three hours.

I think what is upsetting me more now is the fact that all this time is passing. It's been almost 3.5 years already. How have I lived without you for 3.5 years? And time will only continue to increase. Even as I write this, I am minutes further from the last time I saw your face. It just makes me sad to know that eventually, the time I have spent without you is going to surpass the 19 years I knew you. I have always said that I was lucky to have you in my life for 19 years, and I still believe that, but seriously? What the (insert inappropriate word that I would use if I were a normal 23-year-old here)! Nineteen years is hardly no time at all. It's not fair. I know, I know, life's not fair, but why? Why does it have to be unfair?


So I guess this is where I'm at now (and by now, I mean April 18th, nine days after I started writing this post. I really am slacking!). I'm at a weird transition where I feel like fewer people understand me (especially being at a new job where no one knows anything about you--which may actually be a good thing since clearly it only made me a target before); where I feel like I have nothing else to say at this point rather than 'grief is stupid'; where I am honestly at a crossroads with a lot of my relationships because I suddenly just feel like an outsider. Even the people who used to add the most to my life, suddenly aren't. Do I ask too much of people? Do I think I deserve more than I actually do? All I know is that you gave me the world, I was spoiled, and now no one else really measures up. When I step back and look at some of the people around me, I just feel like I'm settling. Is it them... or me?

Hoping to get out of this rut and find my way back to my old self, happiness, and writing.



  1. I hear you on your Mom being the one person who could always understand... I often feel like an outsider since I no longer have my Mom to count on in that way. AND it has been only 10 months since my Mom passed away, I am also with you in that every day, every minute is oen more day and one more minute longer since I got to spek with her and see her... and that is NOT fair.
    I have no advice, just wanted to let you know you are not alone in grieving, I am more than in the thick of it!
    Hugs to you my fellow grieving outsider!

  2. Sami,
    It's not really surprising to me at all that you so often feel as if you don't fit in. You have so much more life (and death) experience than sooo many people. You have evolved before your time. Time passing creates new conflict for you too. The more time that passes, the further out those last moments with your mom become, but time brings you more growing and healing as well. Keep giving yourself permission to feel, grieve, grow, regress, whatever.

    And good luck with the new job. They are lucky to have you.

  3. Hang in there, Sami. You don't ask any more of people than anyone else does. You simply ask them to be nice and caring... you have more compassion in your little finger than most people have in their whole bodies. Here's hoping they catch up to you soon so you're not left feeling alone.

    Always here for ya, dear. :-)


  4. Sami
    I'm glad you posted - even if it has been a while. I will admit that I was starting to worry. I am glad you got a new position that can lead to wonderful opportunities for you.

    As a survivor I too wonder if I expect too much of others. I don't want to waste my time with those who don't fill my life with joy and kindness and love. Take time to take care of yourself . Do something that makes you smile- you deserve it.

    You carry your mother in your heart- no matter how many years it is.