Today is Dad's birthday! I visited him last weekend, and we had lots of great conversations. I can honestly say he is better, and happier, and that makes me breathe a sigh of relief. It's been a long road, and it's still going to wind and twist along the way, but for now, he is having a smoother ride.
I've been a little MIA in the past week and a half because I have been transitioning from my old job to somewhere brand new and wonderful! I used to have a lot of downtime during my schedule previously, so I was able to write more, but that's not the case here (we can't even use our cell phones!) The position itself isn't where I see myself down the road, but if I move up through the company I could get into the communications section of it and fit in perfectly. It's something to work towards and has brought me a million steps ahead of where I was just 11 days ago, so I can't complain about that!
Last night I was so exhausted from my first week of work and training that I passed right out when my head hit my pillow. I was woken up around 1AM when, yet again, a roommate drunkenly staggered into the house and not-so-gracefully found her way to her room down the hall (I love my friends, I do, but it's just another reminder of how different from them I've become. They even call me 'mom'!). I laid there and listened to her to make sure she wasn't sick or in need of any help (here I go again with the TMMs...), but she seemed alright. I tried to fall back asleep, when out of nowhere I started sobbing. I was having one of those 'holy crap, how did I get here?!' kind of moments. It was the first time in weeks that time had slowed long enough for me to just think about me... and you.
As happy as I am that dad is honestly doing well, it also made me feel more isolated from everyone. I felt like I was crossing another name off the list of fellow grievers, and to tell you the truth, I'm not even sure who's on it anymore besides me. It's not a constant feeling of sadness anymore like it used to be; the waves of grief are spaced out, but during their off time they are only building up their strength to come crashing down when I least expect it. Like at 1AM on a Friday when I had already been sleeping for three hours.
I think what is upsetting me more now is the fact that all this time is passing. It's been almost 3.5 years already. How have I lived without you for 3.5 years? And time will only continue to increase. Even as I write this, I am minutes further from the last time I saw your face. It just makes me sad to know that eventually, the time I have spent without you is going to surpass the 19 years I knew you. I have always said that I was lucky to have you in my life for 19 years, and I still believe that, but seriously? What the (insert inappropriate word that I would use if I were a normal 23-year-old here)! Nineteen years is hardly no time at all. It's not fair. I know, I know, life's not fair, but why? Why does it have to be unfair?
So I guess this is where I'm at now (and by now, I mean April 18th, nine days after I started writing this post. I really am slacking!). I'm at a weird transition where I feel like fewer people understand me (especially being at a new job where no one knows anything about you--which may actually be a good thing since clearly it only made me a target before); where I feel like I have nothing else to say at this point rather than 'grief is stupid'; where I am honestly at a crossroads with a lot of my relationships because I suddenly just feel like an outsider. Even the people who used to add the most to my life, suddenly aren't. Do I ask too much of people? Do I think I deserve more than I actually do? All I know is that you gave me the world, I was spoiled, and now no one else really measures up. When I step back and look at some of the people around me, I just feel like I'm settling. Is it them... or me?
Hoping to get out of this rut and find my way back to my old self, happiness, and writing.