Changes and new experiences typically make me anxious and overwhelmed, so I'm surprised to find myself suddenly living a life of firsts. I'm living on my own for the first time with no roommates to wash my dishes for me when I'm running late; no one to call while I'm at work to double check that I turned off my hair straightener; no one to plop down on the couch with to vent after a long day.
It's my first time killing insects on my own when they sneak in uninvited to my apartment. That may not sound like a big deal to most, but if you remember, one time in high school you and Dad were out for the night, and I demanded that my then boyfriend drive to our house at 10PM on a school night to squish the giant, half-human spider glaring up at me from the bathroom floor (in my defense, he was even intimidated by it). Just this morning I woke up to a hornet buzzing around my head, which, since I hadn't opened the door in a good 10 hours, means it creepily watched me sleep all night and that really ticked me off. I grabbed the can of Raid and went on a 10-second rampage. Dad would be so proud!
This is also my first time being single for as long as I can remember. Truly, 100%, fend for myself, cooking for one, officially a bug killer, single. Yes, there was that 8 or so months not long after you died where I was boyfriendless, but instead I attached myself to a best friend who I spent literally all my free time with. I was grieving, and I needed it. I needed someone, or something, to focus on to keep myself preoccupied from the hurt. I was just trying to survive then, but now, I am trying to live. So, I am single. I have no boyfriend and no definite best friend. Instead, I have a lot of close friends and acquaintances that I am spending equal amounts of time with, and it feels great. It's the first time that I feel like I don't need to tell a certain person what I'm doing all the time; if someone wants to grab lunch or go for a walk, I just can, and I don't need to report to a boyfriend or a super protective best friend. I'm a floater, and I like it. I feel like I can breathe.
With that being said, this is also the first time I feel like I am shaping myself rather than allowing others to influence me. I don't ask anyone's opinion on what I wear anymore because there's no one here to ask; no one is advising me on what to say to the cute boy that texted me, or what color curtain would look nice in the kitchen. It's all me now, and it's just so liberating.
In the same sense, it's also been a little scary from time to time. A few situations have arose where I realize just how damaged I am in some ways. Like I said, in the past I have always jumped from relationship to relationship. Having grown up watching my parents be completely in love, how could I not go from one three-year relationship to the next? I got so caught up in finding love and a person to complete me that I never stopped to ask myself why I feel incomplete in the first place.
Two of my past relationships have lacked some essential elements, and they've truly scarred me in a big way that I've never fully admitted to myself prior to, well, about two days ago. Someone that I care about made a negative comment about my hair-- yes, my hair-- and it literally sent me soaring head first off the deep end of the looney bin pool. That person had never said anything but positive things about my oh so astonishing, silky-smooth hair, so my feelings were really hurt. He looked at me as if the word "PSYCHOPATH" was instantaneously etched across my forehead. Thankfully, I had a sudden epiphany.
In my past relationships, it always seemed like things were going well, when out of the blue I'd hear, "Well, I love you, but I'm not in love with you," or, after my old roommate told me how adorable I looked before a date, I'd then hear, "What's with your eye shadow, and when did you get that weird shirt?" from my boyfriend. Seriously?! Seriously. My poor little ego. Rather than saying "screw you, a-hole" and going on my merry way like the confident woman I pretended to be would have done, I secretly tried to change. I wanted to be the girl he thought was marriage material, and I wanted to change my style and appearance to please the next one. I wanted to be different because I thought no one could love me if I was just... me. I never felt like I was enough just as I was.
For the first time, I know that I should feel worthy of being loved for exactly the person I am, and I know I should love myself enough to walk away from someone who needs me to change in order to be a part of my life. Between my last post and this one, I've realized that I know I should feel those things, but the catch is that I don't necessarily feel them about myself. I am currently damaged goods-- I'm broken in a lot of ways, and I see that now. I mean, I was two steps away from sending myself to the local mental health clinic because someone made a comment about my hair. Get a grip, woman! I need my opinion to matter above all others. I need to heal. I need time to rebuild my confidence. I need to figure out how to feel good about myself with no influence from others. I need to continue restoring the relationship I have with myself because then, and only then, will I truly be ready and able to have a healthy relationship with someone else.
That'll be my next first.
I love you,