December 27, 2010

A Scrambled, Grief-Filled Ramble

Dear Mom,

Here I am again. My 11 day hiatus is over. It wasn't intentional, but I just needed a break... a week or so to clear my head. December has been tough on me this year.

My roommates are all in college, so they have gone home for a monthlong winter break. Since I no longer get a winter break now that I'm a member of this wonderful working world, I've been very, very lonely. Sure, I see John a few times a week, but this month is the first time my four roommates have all been gone, and I have had to fall asleep alone in a huge, empty house.

I may have the intellectuality of a 40-year-old at times, but I also have the fear tolerance of a toddler. How in the world am I STILL afraid of the dark?! I sleep with my TV on for light and my fan blasting to drown out the scary creaking and clicking of the heater throughout the night. In my defense, there were over 100 car break-ins around my neighborhood last year... so what's stopping them from trying their luck with a house instead? There's only one car in the driveway with a girly sorority sticker on the back windshield. If that doesn't scream, "one helpless girl lives here, so help yourself to my electronics!", then I don't know what does. Ugh. Oh, and in case you're reading this robbers, I have MACE... and my strength somehow quadruples when I'm in defense-mode... so... watch it.

I think the bottom line is that, simply, I'm not a fan of change. I do love the peace and quiet, but I miss the comfort of having a friend in the next room to talk to when I need a laugh. I miss being able to visit Dad for more than a night or two. I miss when my birthday and Christmas were something to look forward to. I miss the days when I had so many more reasons to smile than to cry.

Over the past 24 hours we have had the biggest snowstorm we have had in years. I had to get a ride into work this morning because my car was buried up to my thighs. A storm like this used to mean one thing... SNOW DAY! Well, that's not the case anymore. We were let out of work early because the blizzard was only getting worse, which was awesome because that meant I got to pour a big glass of wine and watch a movie! Oh wait, just kidding. That meant I got to shovel my entire driveway by myself. After 45 minutes of intense sweating (with my new chem-free deodorant that does NOT work, mind you) and creating the same noises that I make fun of tennis players for belting out on TV, I was getting absolutely nowhere. Again, my childlike tendencies came out in full force, and I dropped to my knees in a snowbank three times my size, and cried. When did I sign up for this adult life? When did snow stop being beautiful? And when did crying start being my answer for everything?

I'm tired of feeling sad. Tired of falling asleep scared. Tired of spending 40 hours a week at an office filled with people who gawk at my butt more than they do at my hard work. Tired of ABC thinking it's okay to not play a new episode of Grey's Anatomy for an entire month. Tired of knowing I can make it through an important day without you, but a meltdown is soon to follow on any given day.

I'm just. freaking. tired. And feeling annoyingly melodramatic!

And for the record, anyone who thinks that this is the most wonderful time of the year, clearly, has not been thrown through the wringer of grief and hung out to dry under a raincloud.

Alright. I feel better now. Kind of. Maybe because I just ate an entire box of macaroni and cheese for dinner... woops! I guess they call it comfort food for a reason.

Tomorrow will be better... I can feel it.

Miss you,

P.S. someone plowed my driveway. Are things looking up that quickly?!


  1. Personally, it's my least favorite time of the year. So I'm with you on that!! Nonetheless, I hope things are looking up soon. Or, at least that you get that glass of wine and a movie.

  2. My dearest Sami,

    Oh girlie girl. I'm glad you got that all out. I understand how freaked out you must be alone in your house and with the weight of the world on your shoulders, it's getting to be a bit much. I COMPLETELY understand being "tired"... and I don't mean sleepy. I don't mean a teensy bit annoyed. I mean so fed up with this crap that you are ready to scream at anyone who gives you anything else to be upset with. Everything you said was completely warranted. It sucks so much that you don't get the breaks you deserve. It sucks that you are left with people who don't appreciate you for all that you are and all that you do. It sucks that something you take comfort in, whether it is a glass of wine and Grey's or the peace of someone to talk to, isn't there for extended periods of time. You my girl need an escape. One word. Belize. :-) Deep breaths, and keep pushing through.

    And the similarities between us is just getting freakish. It doesn't matter if it is 20 below outside, I need my fan going so I don't hear a noise that makes me think that a murderer is 15 seconds away from ending me. :-P I also make fun of tennis players grunting like they're trying to bust my eardrums, and I understand what you mean about missing what it used to feel like. What everything used to feel like. The cool part is, you can surround yourself with people that make the little moments big events. Hang in there, chica. You're so close to a break.

    I'll send positive energy, attached with thoughts of wine and movie nights, cozy inside along with them. :-)


  3. Sami, I'm glad you were able to vent here, such a great benefit of blogging isn't it? I love your "tongue in cheek" humor mixed in with the reality of your pain. That's great writing! Actually, I think you were forced to become a grown up years ago by life's unfair circumstances. By the way, I sleep with a fan on every night! The noise comforts me.

  4. Oh Miss Sam,

    I wish I could guard you against the realities of becoming an adult -- but alas I can't and shouldn't. Each stupid shovel full of snow, each box of macaroni and cheese box hooved down alone -- makes you stronger.

    But this is a gradual strength -- not something you see right away. Like when you haven't noticed your hair has grown so long. You see it everyday and it seems like it's the same old, same old. But then one day you look in the mirror and you're like "HOLY COW - when did my hair get so long?"

    Your strength is growing -- we see it. And one day you will look in the mirror and see it too.

    Belize, Belize, Belize, Belize -- let it be your mantra......