A Scrambled, Grief-Filled Ramble

Dear Mom,

Here I am again. My 11 day hiatus is over. It wasn't intentional, but I just needed a break... a week or so to clear my head. December has been tough on me this year.

My roommates are all in college, so they have gone home for a monthlong winter break. Since I no longer get a winter break now that I'm a member of this wonderful working world, I've been very, very lonely. Sure, I see John a few times a week, but this month is the first time my four roommates have all been gone, and I have had to fall asleep alone in a huge, empty house.

I may have the intellectuality of a 40-year-old at times, but I also have the fear tolerance of a toddler. How in the world am I STILL afraid of the dark?! I sleep with my TV on for light and my fan blasting to drown out the scary creaking and clicking of the heater throughout the night. In my defense, there were over 100 car break-ins around my neighborhood last year... so what's stopping them from trying their luck with a house instead? There's only one car in the driveway with a girly sorority sticker on the back windshield. If that doesn't scream, "one helpless girl lives here, so help yourself to my electronics!", then I don't know what does. Ugh. Oh, and in case you're reading this robbers, I have MACE... and my strength somehow quadruples when I'm in defense-mode... so... watch it.


I think the bottom line is that, simply, I'm not a fan of change. I do love the peace and quiet, but I miss the comfort of having a friend in the next room to talk to when I need a laugh. I miss being able to visit Dad for more than a night or two. I miss when my birthday and Christmas were something to look forward to. I miss the days when I had so many more reasons to smile than to cry.

Over the past 24 hours we have had the biggest snowstorm we have had in years. I had to get a ride into work this morning because my car was buried up to my thighs. A storm like this used to mean one thing... SNOW DAY! Well, that's not the case anymore. We were let out of work early because the blizzard was only getting worse, which was awesome because that meant I got to pour a big glass of wine and watch a movie! Oh wait, just kidding. That meant I got to shovel my entire driveway by myself. After 45 minutes of intense sweating (with my new chem-free deodorant that does NOT work, mind you) and creating the same noises that I make fun of tennis players for belting out on TV, I was getting absolutely nowhere. Again, my childlike tendencies came out in full force, and I dropped to my knees in a snowbank three times my size, and cried. When did I sign up for this adult life? When did snow stop being beautiful? And when did crying start being my answer for everything?

I'm tired of feeling sad. Tired of falling asleep scared. Tired of spending 40 hours a week at an office filled with people who gawk at my butt more than they do at my hard work. Tired of ABC thinking it's okay to not play a new episode of Grey's Anatomy for an entire month. Tired of knowing I can make it through an important day without you, but a meltdown is soon to follow on any given day.

I'm just. freaking. tired. And feeling annoyingly melodramatic!

And for the record, anyone who thinks that this is the most wonderful time of the year, clearly, has not been thrown through the wringer of grief and hung out to dry under a raincloud.

Alright. I feel better now. Kind of. Maybe because I just ate an entire box of macaroni and cheese for dinner... woops! I guess they call it comfort food for a reason.

Tomorrow will be better... I can feel it.

Miss you,
Sami

P.S. someone plowed my driveway. Are things looking up that quickly?!