December 28, 2010

Honesty is the Best Policy

Dear Mom,

The storm has passed-- both outside my house and inside my heart. At last! Writing has become my greatest form of therapy and release. Sometimes the hardest part is just getting the courage to write down what I'm really thinking, while other times what's difficult is reading it through after I've written and posted it.

I have written about this before, but it's still something I struggle with some days. When I look back over some of my word choices and topic ideas, I can't help but think, "Ohh Samantha Ann... once you log onto blogger.com do you immediately forget that other people are going to actually read this?!" You don't know how many times I want to hit the edit button and change something I've said into something else a little less cynical and a little more composed. I mean, in the real world, I am a quiet, pearl-earring wearing, please-and-thank you saying young lady who smiles at strangers in the grocery store just because if they smile back that means that, for even two seconds, they were happy that day. That is the person my relatives and friends typically see... would they respect and love me as much if they knew that, some days, that's only a facade?

I look at some of posts and think, who hacked into my account?! But, it's just me being honest, and I can't be ashamed of the person that grief, even in the smallest ways, has altered me into. If I edit my words and erase my most vulnerable thoughts, that's when I stop being real... and that's when my blog loses its purpose of helping others and healing myself. Once I start censoring myself, this becomes just another one of those warm and fuzzy books about how someday you'll overcome your grief and let go. The truth is, I'm not sure you ever overcome grief, it more or less just becomes a part of who you are and seems more manageable in time. So, I'll just continue being me, and pray that as my friends and family slowly come across my blog over time, that they will still think highly of me despite my weaknesses that I often try to shield from the world.

Thanks for loving me unconditionally,
Sami

4 comments:

  1. I sometimes find myself going back and changing things on my blog to make them a bit more pleasant -knowing some of my readers are family members. Please continue to be you. We your fellow bloggers wouldn't want it any other way.

    Enjoy Belize!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sami I am glad you have the freedom to express yourself honestly on these pages. That is what makes it so therapeutic. The words Jezz gave to his buddy for a song are 'share your dream with somebody else and we can all share the same dream' I believe that is what we do here. I would like to think that there is no 'mask' when we do our post.
    Congratulations on your achievements sweetie. Your You Tube is excellent. In the future I will be watching you at work knowing that I was part of that journey. Well done from Australia.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sami,

    This post made me say, "Yes!". I understand exactly what you mean. I too am a girl who believes in the old phrases, you catch more flies with honey than vinegar and what goes around comes around, so treat others with respect and kindness.

    Our public personas may be sanitized versions of our private selves, because the everyday world doesn't need to know it all. Blogging removes the privacy wall and, if we're honest, allows us to share insight and delve deeper into thoughts and emotions. Remember, each one of us is complicated and composed of both sunshine and light.

    In our blogs, if we aren't honest about our true feelings, whatever they may be, we're dishonest to ourselves and our readers. If people don't want to hear the dips and rants, they can stop reading. But it's all part of the journey - whether it be losing your mom or battling cancer.

    I love your blog. Continue to be you. I will be here through the ups and downs that make up life.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Sami, I totally relate to this post. I still can't believe what I post on my blog either sometimes. Some of my family members think I'm totally nuts! Maybe they're right?? ha. I think Tina put it really well ahead of me. Your blog is raw and honest, that's what grieving people want to read about, the reality of it all. You can't sanitize (good word choice, Tina) grief. Not for long anyway. Keep up the good work! Also, happy new year! I'm so pleased we've connected! I look forward to more great posts!

    ReplyDelete