The storm has passed-- both outside my house and inside my heart. At last! Writing has become my greatest form of therapy and release. Sometimes the hardest part is just getting the courage to write down what I'm really thinking, while other times what's difficult is reading it through after I've written and posted it.
I have written about this before, but it's still something I struggle with some days. When I look back over some of my word choices and topic ideas, I can't help but think, "Ohh Samantha Ann... once you log onto blogger.com do you immediately forget that other people are going to actually read this?!" You don't know how many times I want to hit the edit button and change something I've said into something else a little less cynical and a little more composed. I mean, in the real world, I am a quiet, pearl-earring wearing, please-and-thank you saying young lady who smiles at strangers in the grocery store just because if they smile back that means that, for even two seconds, they were happy that day. That is the person my relatives and friends typically see... would they respect and love me as much if they knew that, some days, that's only a facade?
I look at some of posts and think, who hacked into my account?! But, it's just me being honest, and I can't be ashamed of the person that grief, even in the smallest ways, has altered me into. If I edit my words and erase my most vulnerable thoughts, that's when I stop being real... and that's when my blog loses its purpose of helping others and healing myself. Once I start censoring myself, this becomes just another one of those warm and fuzzy books about how someday you'll overcome your grief and let go. The truth is, I'm not sure you ever overcome grief, it more or less just becomes a part of who you are and seems more manageable in time. So, I'll just continue being me, and pray that as my friends and family slowly come across my blog over time, that they will still think highly of me despite my weaknesses that I often try to shield from the world.
Thanks for loving me unconditionally,