March 2, 2011

If They Really Knew Me

Dear Mom,

I wrote this post a few weeks back, but it has just been sitting there waiting for the right day. It kind of has a sad tone to it, and I haven't really been that sad, so I wasn't sure of when to post it. Instead of waiting for the 'right' time, I'm making the decision that today is right! But remember, I'm happy, so don't fret my pet.

If they really knew me, they would know this is more than just a simple picture of us.

They would know it is the last picture we ever took together. They would know that, although it was taken in our living room, you weren't sitting on our couch; you were in a hospital bed that had been delivered months before. They would know that just behind me is one of the machines you were hooked up to, and I was in the midst of trying not to step on the bag that was connected to a tube in your stomach.

If they really knew me, they would know that earlier that morning, this is where I washed your hair. They would know that you asked me to comb it for you so you could look nice for this photograph that you would never live to see. They would know that the angel hanging on the wall above your pillow was from Gisele's little nephew, who hardly knew you, but still thought enough of you that he wanted you to feel protected and safe.

They would know that this is one of the many pictures we took that day because you hated the way you looked in each one when we showed it to you in the viewer of the camera. They'd know that I'm draping my arm across you because you asked me to cover your neck since you hated the way all the weightloss from chemo and cancer made it look. They'd know that dad refuses to look at the pictures we took that day because he can't see past the hint of fear in your tightened smile that the average person would never notice.

If they really knew me, they would know that you chose to be buried without your favorite posession that you're wearing here-- your wedding ring-- because you wanted me to have it someday instead. They would know that when you saw the color of my nail polish that morning, you asked me to have the people at the funeral parlor paint yours the same color when the time came. They would know that this is where we ate Thanksgiving dinner and where you later gave me my birthday gifts two weeks before it took place because you knew you wouldn't be there for it. They would know that not long after this picture was taken, this is exactly where we said goodbye.

If they really knew me, they'd know that they'll never really know me... not like you did.



  1. What a touching post and what a special relationship you had/ have with your mom. She would be very proud of you.

  2. Tears. This is an amazing post. I know your mom is smiling down on you for all that you have done and all that you still have yet to do. Very moving, Sami. XOXO

  3. Sami, your mom is very proud of you, she has an exceptional daughter. Your words are very touching, and no, I do not hear sadness in your words, but a knowledge that speaks of the very special bond you and your mother shared, and continue to share. Of course, your words bring tears to my eyes, as I try to imagine what your life is like without your mom nearby, but then I remember, she is very near by.

    She may not be a part of your day to day, but she is a very big part of who you are, and what she gave you, will sustain you for the rest of your life. Isn't love the most beautiful of gifts.

    Take care, Love, Rose Mary xoxox

  4. Sami, there are tears for me as I read your tribute;the special bond you share with your Mom. The picture shows me the beauty that shines through in you both; your Mother is a beautiful woman and I see that in you. You both have an inner beauty that is so much more and I can sense the love you share.
    God bless you and thank you for sharing. I appreciate the sensitivity of your words.
    Love Chez xo

  5. Sami, This is simply beautiful. I have no words to adequately respond. You are both beautiful in this photo. The relationship you had and continue to have is even more beautiful. I am honored to "know" you and to get a chance to learn bits and pieces about the amazing woman you call mother.

  6. A huge thanks to each of you for your wonderful words. I know how proud my mom would be of me for starting this blog, and I'm so happy that I get to at least share it with such special people like you. Thank you xoxo

  7. Just wanna say that I love this picture. it's beautiful. and I love this post. *hugs*.

  8. Danielle, thank you! It's crazy how much we look alike isn't it?! And talk about beautiful pics... YOU are taking amazing pictures that families will cherish forever. So proud of you!