Devastated

Dear Mom,

About an hour I got a call from Dad telling me that the husband of one of your closest friends (who has grown to be one of Dad's best friends) committed suicide last night. They were all together beforehand, and when he got home he shot himself in the face. Your friend was in the next room. I am devastated beyond words. I am sad for her, Dad, and for the rest of your close group of friends who are all huddled in a room together right now at someone's house trying to make sense of it all. I am sad for him because he must have been so depressed and not able to move forward. Even in my lowest points when I felt no will to live, suicide was still never a thought. I knew it would get easier with time, and I waited for it. He felt so terrible that he couldn't wait for it. That absolutely crushes me.

Yet at the same time... How could he do this to his wife? I can't imagine the weight on her heart today that may never ever lift. I can't imagine all the thoughts going through her head about what she could have done differently. How will she move on from this? How can she erase the images in her mind of running in after hearing a gunshot and finding him that way? It makes me feel sick.

And how could he do this to me? I now have to watch my father mourn another great loss in his life. They were supposed to leave for vacation together on Sunday, and now Dad's going to be attending his funeral instead. It makes my heart ache in ways it hasn't for years.

And how could he do this to you? All you ever wanted to do was live, and he took his own life on purpose. How could he? I don't understand. I feel broken. I'm so confused.

Was he having these thoughts when he came to my graduation party 8 months ago? When he wrote to me on Facebook in January asking how I was doing, would things have been different if I remembered to respond and asked him how he was too?

I'm sobbing. Can't write anymore.

Sami