March 3, 2011


Dear Mom,

About an hour I got a call from Dad telling me that the husband of one of your closest friends (who has grown to be one of Dad's best friends) committed suicide last night. They were all together beforehand, and when he got home he shot himself in the face. Your friend was in the next room. I am devastated beyond words. I am sad for her, Dad, and for the rest of your close group of friends who are all huddled in a room together right now at someone's house trying to make sense of it all. I am sad for him because he must have been so depressed and not able to move forward. Even in my lowest points when I felt no will to live, suicide was still never a thought. I knew it would get easier with time, and I waited for it. He felt so terrible that he couldn't wait for it. That absolutely crushes me.

Yet at the same time... How could he do this to his wife? I can't imagine the weight on her heart today that may never ever lift. I can't imagine all the thoughts going through her head about what she could have done differently. How will she move on from this? How can she erase the images in her mind of running in after hearing a gunshot and finding him that way? It makes me feel sick.

And how could he do this to me? I now have to watch my father mourn another great loss in his life. They were supposed to leave for vacation together on Sunday, and now Dad's going to be attending his funeral instead. It makes my heart ache in ways it hasn't for years.

And how could he do this to you? All you ever wanted to do was live, and he took his own life on purpose. How could he? I don't understand. I feel broken. I'm so confused.

Was he having these thoughts when he came to my graduation party 8 months ago? When he wrote to me on Facebook in January asking how I was doing, would things have been different if I remembered to respond and asked him how he was too?

I'm sobbing. Can't write anymore.



  1. I'm so sorry, sweet pea. If you need anything... I'm here. Take care of yourself.

  2. Sami, I am so sorry. Death is so very difficult to deal with, and hard to understand and accept at times, but a suicide just leaves so many questions. Take care of yourself, if you need an ear, just say so. I'll keep you all in my prayers. Rose Mary xoxo

  3. Sami, I'm so sorry to hear this. Death is so hard to deal with and as you've so eloquently put it, suicide is incomprehensible. You and your dad are in my thoughts.

  4. Oh Sami, I'm so sorry. Suicide is such a selfish act and hard to comprehend. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your dad.

  5. Sami, I am truly sorry for this new unexpected pain you must endure. I feel so bad for your dad as well. You will undoubtedly feel many emotions for a long time as you attempt to make sense of this latest crushing loss. Remember sometimes there just is no sense to be made. I'll be thinking about you...

  6. Sami, I am so so sorry that this has happened. such a tragedy! Stay close to your Dad and walk through this grief together!

    Sometimes there just aren't any answers.

  7. Thanks everyone for thinking of me, my dad, and his friends. Lots of mixed emotions but they are fading into mere sadness for him and what must have been weighing him down. I just pray that my dad is able to move forward from this as easily as possible. He's been through so much already. Thanks again xoxo