August 18, 2011

Friday Mourning

Dear Mom,

Whenever I'm feeling upset, I remind myself repeatedly that, no matter what I'm crying over, I went through worse when I lost you. Typically that is enough to help me snap out of my funk, but of course there are those times where the only remedy seems to be a box of tissues and my comfiest PJs.

And that was exactly the kind of day I had last Friday.

I've been so focused on getting my new, single, fabulous little life figured out during these past few months, and in an instant I realized that I have absolutely no clue why I am where I am, doing what I'm doing, and feeling how I'm feeling. The only thing I wanted to do was curl up on the couch next to you while you played with my hair like you did when I was little, and knowing that the one thing I wanted was also the one thing that definitely wasn't going to happen only added to my heavy heart that day.

I've been sick for about a week (how is it that my body fights viruses like a champ during Maine winters, but can't handle a few months of 90+ degree weather?), so that didn't help my mood. I was at work for less than 30 minutes when I decided there was no way I could make it through the day in one piece and needed to get out of there immediately. One look at my manager-- who is just as caring and approachable as you... AND shares your name, ironically-- and I was one hot mess. I told her how much I just miss your advice and how much I wish I could hear it now. She suggested that I write you a letter, read it out loud, and wait for the answers to eventually show themselves to me. Little did she know that writing letters used to be our thing, and, through my blog, still is. It was just what I needed to hear.

I got in my car and drove 2.5 hours to the cemetery. I know that technically you aren't there, but for some reason I found comfort in sitting beside where your body is resting. While I was there, I finally allowed myself to let it all go. I am so confused. Why am I living in the area that I am right now? I came here for college, that is over. I stayed for a relationship, and that is over too. My closest friends have all moved away and have started their lives; why haven't I done the same? What am I waiting for? My job here isn't my dream job, and frankly the only reason I look forward to going in is because my co-workers are so great, but is that enough to keep me here? Not in the least.

I had a long talk with Dad that night and have decided that I'm moving home. I'm giving myself the next month to figure out the logistics of this next step. I'll have to look for a new job, find someone to lease my apartment, etc. I feel relief knowing that I am finally closing this chapter in my life and moving forward, but at the same time, I'm wondering how I will adjust to life in that area after being on my own for five years. How will it feel to live, for the first time, in the house you died in? How will it feel to wake up every morning in the home we spent 19 wonderful years in together and walk downstairs and not see your smile? I'm nervous for it, but ready somehow. It is time. And at the end of the day, I know I'll be alright because I went through worse when I lost you.

Love,
Sami

8 comments:

  1. Hi Sami,

    am a student at the University of St Andrews, Scotland and I am currently doing a research project on the role of online blogs for individuals impacted by cancer. I was wondering whether I could talk to you about your opinions, I am especially interested in how bloggers can creatively express themselves(symbolically) in virtual environments and how important the blog design is in this process and why.
    I hope that my research will promote online blogging as a critical resource and increase its awareness.

    Please email me back if you would like to.
    Thanks in advance :)
    Laura
    lke2@st-andrews.ac.uk

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  2. Oh Sami... I'm supposed to be off-line, but I noticed your new post and just had to take a peak. I'm so sorry you have been going through such a rough time, but like you said you've been through worse, way worse. I think it might be just what you need to go home for a bit and sort stuff out. Take some time for you. You have been through so much the past few years and sometimes you need to stop and catch your breath. And don't worry about what everyone else is doing. Try not to compare yourself to others. They have not walked in your shoes. I have great confidence that you will figure out where to go from here. You will. You really will!

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  3. Sami,

    Maybe going home and not having your mom there when you get up in the morning is what you need to move to the next stage in your journey. As hard as that is going to be, it may be part of the healing process. I'm admire all the decisions you're making - even when they're hard - that you feel are right for you.

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  4. I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling. I think you are making the right choice though in moving back ... (how far does your dad live from you?)

    I wonder if Tina is right, this may be a part of the healing process... one more step.

    I am thinking of you,

    Michelle

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  5. Sami
    So sorry to hear last week was so difficult. Knowing what you want to do with your life is difficult enough without having to work through it without someone you love.
    I was just thinking today about my Aunt ( who raised me) who passed away 4 months ago. How I wish I could just pick up the phone and hear her voice and ask her once more about her apple cake recipe.

    I hope the move home allows you to find peace and a new direction for the years ahead.
    Hugs!

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  6. just finally catching up on your blog. so excited for you to start this new chapter of your life, but will miss having you close by even though we only see each other every couple weeks. guess this just means I will have to make a trip to portland soon?! :) I know it won't always be easy to be living back at home, but I hope you know you can call me (or tweet me haha) anytime you need someone to listen. love you!

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  7. Good luck with your change in living situation! Kudos to you for knowing when a change is needed and having the courage to make the change to better your life/sitation.

    Your last statement hit home "And at the end of the day, I know I'll be alright because I went through worse when I lost you"... when things come up in my life that drag me down I say the same thing to myself.

    Good luck!

    ReplyDelete