June 8, 2013

Dear Mom,

It's been just over six months since I have written. In these past months, I've been doing really, really well. I put on about 20 pounds of 'happy' weight living with my boyfriend (which I desperately needed, I was down to 114 during my grieving years), later joined an amazing fitness network and lost 8 of it already and am feeling really healthy, toned, and amazing, got two promotions at work and started a position in our marketing department after a year and half of being with the company, rescued a puppy from a high kill shelter in Alabama who makes my days so bright, and moved into a new townhome with my love where I feel safe and at home, at last.

What actually brought me to revisit my blog today is a bit less of a happy note, however. A friend I've come to know through my fitness group across the country actually lost her father to cancer just two days ago. I e-mailed her about my blog this morning, and I thought it would be a little hypocritical to tell her things get better, when the last post she'd read was about how desperately I still missed you after five years. I mean, it's true, I do miss you, but it doesn't cripple me every day and in every way like it used to. I still have my days-- everyone cries some days about something, loss or no loss-- and that won't change, but it doesn't mean things haven't gotten better. I can't even begin to explain how much better things have gotten (well, I guess I can, it's basically summed up in every entry since the beginning of my blog!). If I could just fast foward time to keep my friend from having to experience the heavy-heartedness that comes along with losing a parent who is as wonderful and loving as you, I would. But at the same time, these past five and a half years have taught me more about myself than the previous 20 did. She's going to grieve, but she's going to learn and grow and become the woman she is meant to because of it. I just hope I can lessen the pain even in the smallest of ways while she gets there. She called me her angel, Mom. Her angel. Our story is changing lives-- bettering lives-- it's meaning something even five and a half years later.

I figured that without updating my page, I'd be commentless and traffic-less when I logged in today. Obviously because I'm even mentioning it, you know that wasn't the case. I. Can't. BELIEVE. It. Even without writing another letter to you since December, I still had almost 1,500 views last month. WHAT?! I still had a ton of comments about lives I've somehow impacted and days I've substancially improved, and I just... I'm in awe. I choked back tears this morning reading the most heartfelt, elaborate, open-hearted comments from people who don't even know me. If only they knew how much they impacted me today and turned my day around. If only they knew how much they are bettering me.

Sometimes little blessings can emerge from such a tragedy... and that gives me hope.

I love you,

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