July 19, 2012

Over the Hill?!

Dear Mom,

I thought I'd break my unintentional silence to wish you the happiest of birthdays this morning. Somewhere, in some way, you are celebrating your 50th year of a wonderful life that we all know was cut much too short. Is this the age they say you're 'Over the Hill'? Well, I certainly wish you were merely that far away from me.

A few months ago I drove the 8 hours home to Maine with my boyfriend to throw Dad a 50th surprise birthday party-- Harley Davidson themed, of course. And yes, I even tucked away my button-up sweaters and skinny-leg jeans for a night of bandanas, leather boots, and homemade ass-less chaps (and they say being in a sorority doesn't teach you anything?!). It was the best birthday party he said he ever had, complete with a video slideshow I made him to play at the local little bar we held it at that was always your favorite. The photos that reminded us that we used to be captured as a family of four had even my old high school friends tearing up, but I was smart to put it to "Sweet Child of Mine"-- who can cry during that anyway?! Weirdos.

Today I woke up wondering what we'd be doing to celebrate your 50th. I'm pretty sure you'd already be putting on that oh so up-to-date flowery one-piece bathing suit, grabbing a glass of caffeine-free diet Pepsi, and heading out to the pool with your sunglasses and whatever book was next on your chopping block. They better have that set up in Heaven for you; I think you've earned it.

Dad's love for motorcycles has only continued to grow over the years as his love for playing pool has lessened. What would you love even more today? Maybe cooking? Scrap booking? A Harley of your own?

The only answer I know would be true is... me. You would love me even more today.

I miss that love. I miss you.

But I am okay, I promise.

I am happy, but you see that, wherever you're watching me from.

But stop watching me today-- it's your day-- LET'S PARTY!

Happy 50th Mom.

I love you,


  1. Sami,

    I ran across your letter here on a strange whim. I lost my mom extremely suddenly on 8-10-05. She was 55. I thought for sure I'd have another 30 years or so to keep her in my life.

    I have nothing to say but thanks. Some days I feel very alone in these thoughts that run through my head. Especially when approaching infamous dates such as that one. It's absurd to think this, we have all lost, and if we live long enough it happens again and again. But again, it can feel lonely.

    Seven years have passed. The pain fades, but can't leave. I wouldn't want it to.

    Thanks for the catharsis, and the cry. They live on in us.

    Adam Craig

  2. I found your blog a few months ago and this evening decided to revisit your page. I lost my Mom almost 4 years ago. Mom was not young, she was in her 70's, but I was not ready to lose her, though she was so sick the last 3 years of her life. Today while driving home from work, I was suddenly hit by intense grief, so bad I called my sister. I had flash backs of memories. I just turned 50. Will my son miss me someday like I miss my Mom? I think he will.


  3. Sami,
    How lovely. I was pleasantly surprised to stop by your blog and find this post. It's good to know you're okay, Sami. Your mom must have been such a wonderful person. I think you are too. No, I know you are. Hugs.

  4. Hi Sami, I lost my mom 20 jan 2013 of lung cancer. In exactly 30 mins will be my moms b'day. I don't know how I have it. I'm so emotional I don't know whether I should scream or cry :'(

  5. Hi Sami
    I lost my mom when I was 8, now I am 21 and your posts are so encouraging. Thank you for sharing.